Beauty after a Storm

The last two years have been a whirlwind. Maybe the last three years! It is as if I've been amidst a storm filled with the sort of thunder that makes me scared, even as an adult, big streaks of lightening that bolt across the sky and light up the darkness. A storm that has varying degrees of downpour over a short amount of time. A storm that causes you to race around the house shutting windows and grabbing blankets and finding the safest room in the house. A room on the lowest level without any windows. Then when your down there you gather the ones you love the most and you hold them tight and you smile and laugh and you aren't even aware of the storm happening outside. After you've taken safety for awhile you decide to gently go back upstairs and you look at the windows and when you're ready you open the front door and you step outside. What you see takes your breathe away, because it's beautiful. The storm leaves this indescribable stillness. The lightening still illuminates parts of the sky, but you just catch the light and not the dangerous bolts. It's as if the rain had some magic in it that turned everything an amazing shade of green. You stand no the porch and take it all in with a small thought that this wouldn't be something I would take time to notice if I hadn't just experienced the storm.

Don and the kids have been my "safety." They have been the place I've gathered emotionally. It is hard to describe, but all I can think to write is that they are where my thoughts settle. At the end of each storm I'm drawn out to look at the beauty of my life and not the storm itself. I'm so very thankful I have Austin and Heidi to pull my attention back to their toddler/preschool cuteness. The cuddles and kisses and naughty antics that make me smile. I'm so thankful that my older kids aren't too old to not need me. I might say this with every stage, but the ages of my kids right now are my favorite. They are truly in a spot that has me wanting to freeze time! 

My baby will be three years old in a few weeks. She is potty trained. She talks clearly and tries to sing. She loves the fact she wears panties and a pull-up for night night time. She screams her simple demands at her siblings, "I want Mommy to do it." "That's my white chair." "watch Team Umizoomi" (or Paw Patrol or Blaze or Bubble Guppies. It just depends no the day).

Austin is the perfect big brother...most of the time. He adjust his hot wheels to share with her. He explains things to her and encourages her. Watching him cheer her on as she went down the slide for the first time and the smile on her face, priceless. He rushed to the office to grab the spanking spoon to fend off the ladybug that was preventing Heidi from being able to get out of my bathroom! "I get the ladybug away from you Heidi!" In the carwash Austin softly spoke to Heidi about the soap being sprayed on the car, making Heidi feel safe. Then suddenly Austin screams in unison with the high pressure water being squirted and Heidi erupts in a cries of terror! I overreact and snap at Austin that his screaming caused Heidi to get scared! This cause the sensitive Austin to erupt into tears. And so both my littles are crying in the carwash. 

My list of "Mom fails" is extensive. I'm pretty sure I'd declare defeat if I spent time thinking about them. Instead, I rise above the failures and grasp ahold of the things I did well that day, the words I kept in, the hugs I stopped and gave, the pushes on the swing I did even though everything in me just wanted to sit, the mundane details I attentively listened to in a story about a child I don't even know who did something and how the teacher responded to this funny thing. I give myself a 'good job Sarah' for not forcing the positive when all they needed was validation. I'm here. I'm present. I'm consumed with thoughts for them. I'm always striving for better in my marriage, because a healthy relationship with their Dad is going to make for secure kids who will be emotionally healthy adults. And that's my goal at the end of each day...to send my kids into adulthood with a bag of "good" bigger then the bag of "bad." 

Winter

Christmas came upon us way too fast, then I blinked and it was over. The tree put away and January was ushered in by Influenza A. One (of the many) hard parts of having four kids is that when one gets sick you just know that it's going to hit the others, but you aren't sure when it will hit. Molly got knocked down by the flu and I prayed, washed hands like crazy, kept her away from the others, and was optimistic when a week went by and no one else got sick! Then two weeks went by and we are avoiding the dreaded 'flu.' Molly still coughs and blows her nose, but no one else was hit...yet! You see, I thought it would be a great idea to help pass the long winter by joining the gym. The little's would enjoy the play area and the pool and I would get some needed 'run' time done. According to the Pediatrician the Gym Daycare is the worst place in town to drop your kids. Sick kids and healthy kids get stuck together and it's a breeding spot for the transfer of germs. When Heidi came down with a fever and refused to eat and tested positive for Influenza two weeks after Molly was sick...well, that means we didn't get sick from sister, but from the Gym daycare! Great! I swear a mother can do absolutely NOTHING without feeling a tinge of guilt. The month of January was spent quarantined in the house, recovering and keeping our germs to ourselves. 

The weather in Nebraska is not conducive to helping high energy boys burn their energy. The 1 hours indoor Soccer game on Saturday wasn't enough to keep Grant from bouncing off the walls, couch, and his little brother. So, we forced him into wrestling! It's what the Zeleny boys do, wrestle. And to this mom it seemed like a logical choice to help keep the peace in the house.

 January means "dance" at our house. The dance world is pretty quiet in the Fall/early Winter. I think I managed to go into the studio about 2x over 6 months with the amazing carpool set-up I have this year! If I wasn't friends with one of the dance teachers I would have no clue what was happening in the world of Nebraska Dance, who I am kidding, Molly tells me everything! I don't need to go into the studio to hear all the details! It's a win-win for me! (that place is loud, chaotic, and filled with too many people). 

Then February came and it was time to load the van to the bursting point and strap in for the 9 hour car ride to Beaver Creek Resort in Avon, Colorado! Mom's Birthday would be spent in the mountains. It was the first Ski Trip as Family and it went much better then I assumed it would. 

Austin and Heidi seemed to understand the 'vacation' idea. They were excited by the change of scenery as I they explored the condo we rented and quietly looked out the windows at the mountains and all the snow! Heidi is definitely the most adaptable in the Family. She has a "go with the flow" attitude that must be the criteria for the baby of four. Austin, he doesn't have any characteristics remotely close to "go with the flow." The boy does NOT do well with change! 

Austin is somewhat excited about skiing. Actually he is excited that he gets to be apart of everything the older kids are doing, and not lumped in with Heidi, who he sees as a 'baby.' The fact that he would be going down a mountain on mini sleds didn't sink in until we dropped him off at Ski School...and I left!

Molly and Grant are in their element in the mountains! They LOVE everything about snow skiing. Being on the slopes with them is a great experience for Don and I as we get to spend hours seriously enjoying them. There isn't tattling on the mountain, or arguing, there isn't telling them how to behave, there isn't attitudes or raised voices. We all legitimately enjoy each other! And for this reason we will spend a week every winter in the mountains! 

And when Austin and Heidi are a few years older we will put them in Ski School together! Because, nobody wants to be dropped off on the side of a mountain to learn something all by themselves! Austin is no idiot! He lasted three hours in ski school and refused to do any more! He wanted to be with his sister...his little sister! Isn't that what vacations are all about...being together!

Thank you Pinterest for the great Ski Vacation in Beaver Creek! 
We can't wait to come back next year!

Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving Eve

It seems fitting that I would write a post about all I'm thankful for after going such a long time without writing. I'm overwhelmed by how quickly the times goes. I'm also grateful for the time I am given. My little people continue to overwhelm me with gratitude. Our health, wealth, joy, and challenges are something to rejoice over. I don't take anything for granted and I can only pray my children will have a depth of gratefulness that can't be taught, but only given through looking at the world through the perspective of love. We are not here on this earth to satisfy our own desires, to have fun-filled days with no worries is not reality. Life is hard. This world is filled with so much darkness, hurting people, anger, death, judgement, hatred, discourse, jealousy, and self seeking. Being grateful for what we've been given amidst all circumstance is very hard. It can't be done through our own human nature. It really takes a love and trust in the creator of all things, the one who is Jesus. When we take our focus off ourselves we can begin to see what He has given us. Starting with creation is a good place.
I am thankful for the Country in which I was born. The community in which I live. The seasons in this windblown State of Nebraska. The star-filled sky I can see out my backyard. The business my husband can call his own. The builders who trust him. The School my kids attend. The streets I can run on in my town, streets that aren't filled with fear. I'm grateful I live in a neighborhood that has filled-up the last few years with Families who value work, their children, respect their neighbors, and are also grateful for this life. 
I am thankful that the people we are surrounded by through friendship are those who look at life through love. They see each other. They aren't focused on what they can gain, but what they can give. I am grateful my children will grow-up in this kind of environment. They will grow up being cared for out of who they can be, who they should be, and what they have to offer others. They are surrounded by groups of people who don't look at life out of what there is to gain, but out of what we can give. Thanksgiving can only truly be celebrated when we see through this lens. This world is not hear to serve us. We can't change the world, we can only change ourselves. When we rally those around us who want to do the same, only then can we create a ripple effect that will leave an impression on the generations behind us. Changing the future lens should be our goal. Living life out of what we have and not what we don't have, isn't that something that could shake-up this life! 
My prayer tonight is that God would instill bravery in my children and the children of those who surround us. Thanksgiving in all things would come naturally. We would hear voices of proclaiming what a wonderful life we live. We would not let the worries of this world keep us from being grateful. Amen.

Happy 10th Birthday Molly

I have twenty-six pages from 2004 filled with almost 41 weeks of moments, pains, emotions, and anticipation for the baby growing inside me. The baby that would make me a mother. Words written on my desktop computer in the middle of the night. I would print the pages onto clear vellum paper and wait for them to dry, so I could glue or hole punch with a fancy tab them into the "baby book." I remember thinking (and I'm sure it's written somewhere on pages 20-25) that this baby would have to be a girl.  All the detail that I had time to put into the baby book would only be appreciated by a girl. 

A baby girl I was given on October the 3rd. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

Molly has been making list of things to purchase for party, games to do, agenda for the evening, and following up on who is attending. She has kept the party talk to only a whisper when she is alone with a invited guest so that no uninvited guest will overhear and have hurt feelings. She has discussed with me how the conversation should go if she were to be asked by an uninvited friend about her Birthday Party plans. If only she could invite everyone to her sleepover! 

A toothless 6 year old with her best friend Holly

In regards to all the Birthday talk Don says, "How did this day come? Who knew it would come so fast?" This stops me. I go on and on about how quickly the time goes, but until Molly came I didn't know how fast it really went. I was not prepared for how fast ten years goes. Now that it is here, it means I know how fast the next ten will go, and the next ten doesn't have us celebrating with a sleepover. 

My mind only works in five year increments. Today I am forced to look at the last ten with my firstborn and again I am in awe at what a beautiful girl we have in our lives! Happy Birthday Beautiful Molly!

Summer 2014

The lack of post this summer should be an indication of my summer...crazy! I've actually sat down a couple times to write about the summer, but I'm too exhausted to form sentences together. It's the last week of summer break and I've had a headache, a stress headache. I don't usually get them and when I do I rarely take anything. It stresses me out to have a stress headache. Thank God for Ibuprofen! 
I'm hoping that writing will ease some of my tension....

I've never had a summer with four kids that walk and talk. Heidi is two years old now and she is engaged with her siblings in the vocal demands, the fighting with her brothers, and the need for independence. She is no longer content to sit on my hip and observe. She prefers to walk in a parking lot, get herself into the van without assistance, voice her objections over outfits she wears, she has decided she hates bath time, and she no longer loves Dora the Explorer. The girl must sleep with a bow in her hair and a book in her bed. She has 4 stuffed animals in her crib and 5 blankets. I purchased panties on a whim at Target. The little girl has no desire to go anywhere near the toilet, but she wants to wear the underwear. You'd think by baby number four I would know the 'tricks' of motherhood, but each child reminds me I have no clue what I'm doing! I've determined children these days are not motivated by treats, because candy is not that special when you get it all the time. I really don't care if she isn't potty trained or that she prefers the crib. I have no interest in having her grow up. When they get older it just gets harder.

Molly has an Instagram account. Grant has some game with the word "clan" in it, "clash of clans," or something, where apparently you can text within this game. I monitor and ask questions, and I get kick back from them over everything. They are too young to understand the "scary" in this world. Literally everything I say has a rebuttal from them. It is mentally exhausting. Don't get me started on the request for friends to come over, and then Don ask if I have a babysitter lined up so we can do a date night, and I think my brain might explode. I've lost all motivation to ask anyone for anything...it is too much work! My big kids have also made bedtime into more demands. They don't want to go to bed and then once they are there it is request for me to lay with them and the latest is them asking when they can sleep with me!!! My heart wants to lay with each of them and rub their back and tell them stories and watch them fall asleep. My head just wants the demands to be done. For me to have time to just sit and go more then ten minutes without someone asking me something. I battle the selfish desires with the desires of my children to want to be with me. I know the time is going quickly, my firstborn is planning her tenth Birthday party and Austin just got his first backpack. I'm human. I had a breakdown with Molly this summer, I started weeping and told her "it's not all about you. I'm a person too!" Needless to say that got her, she shut her mouth about me getting her to dance twenty minutes late. Then there is the "all things should be fair," child...Grant. Each day I am told that Molly or Austin has gotten something he has not gotten, and each day I remind him that he has gotten things that Molly and Austin have not gotten. I'm reminded that we are not born Thankful people. We must train our thoughts to appreciate what we have, to be content. So I remind him and I loose my patience with him and then I pray for him, and for me. 

Then there is my three year old, bundle of joy, Austin James. The lack of routine and structure has been hard for him this summer. The order he needs has not been there and as we get closer to school starting I find he is loosing his patience. He would live in the swimming pool, but his siblings don't want to swim 24/7, he wants to play with them, and they want to be left alone. He wants to do everything they get to do, but he is only three. I overheard Grant's friend ask him how old he is, Austin's response, "I'm four. No, I'm not four. I'm seven." He never did tell the boy he is three!
Being a mom this summer has been hard. I've called Don in tears telling him I'm not enjoying the kids. I want to enjoy them. It's so much work, all the time, never-ending. Even when there is quiet then I'm thinking about them and making a list in my head of how I've failed them. Maybe that is where the stress headache lies. In the lie that I've failed them. That I'm doing a shitty job. The reality is the reports from teachers and their friends parents are that they are good kids. Maybe that's the problem, I don't get the 'good' kids. Don watched them swim the other night and he commented that our kids are selfish. My response, "we get them at their worst." They are their best for everyone else, and I know that is how it's suppose to be, but I'm jealous. I want the Molly that laughs and cheers on her friends, and the Grant that is sweet and tender and kind.

This summer I've missed the little things. I've let all the hard parts take over the good parts. I've always prided myself on finding the good amidst the challenging. This summer has taken me over and got me off track. 

I've stopped hitting the pavement, running. I tried for two weeks to get up at 5:30am and run, but I was too exhausted to get through the day. I've gone this whole year without a pedicure, actually painted my own toes (unheard of for me). I haven't seen a movie. Haven't been on a walk with a friend. I've had some good date nights, Thank God! I haven't shopped this summer...as in walked around some stores looking and trying on clothes. Not that these things should be done, but I've made time for them in the past. The days go too fast and frankly, I'm too tired! 

I will post my favorite pictures from this summer. A picture does not say a thousand words, but just a few. They do capture the small moments. Memory making, amidst the learning about how to get through a day with pieces of me still in tact. Memory making, amidst the list of failures. Pictures, a reminder that I'm not failing, but I'm being stretched. That at the end of the summer I can remind myself that God created day with night, because we only have enough strength to get through a day. And He created seasons, because we need the reminder that all things pass and there is a new season ahead!

We did the "hike" at the Wildlife Safari. We were in our flip flops and had no water. the .8 miles listed on map felt more like 5 miles. The scenery along the trail was beautiful!

Camping with Cousins!

I can't get enough of his smile!

The stream that ran alongside our campground in Colorado Springs

This is a taken by "Dad" who never uses camera picture! Makes me laugh out loud.

 

This girl loves being under a beach towel!

A shopping trip with Mom, meant bribery with candy!

The First Pool Picture of summer

Adventureland with Friends

This smile is for the train in the background

A stop to see Mrs Jone's new library. Boy, will we miss seeing her at Gretna Elementary!

A Target trip with my two littles

This picture happened many times this summer, POPSICLES!

The LONG line to ride a Pony was worth it. The smiles say it all. Thank you Gretna Days for this memory!

Train Ride at Santa' Workshop at Pike's Peak

Garden of the Gods in Colorado with Uncle Mikey

She sucked on this jawbreaker for 3 days. Weeks later it is still sitting in her room!

Golf Cart rides at Great Grandma's house

This picture makes me laugh! We tried our first family selfie. We don't have arms long enough to fit all of us in the picture!
We wanted to snap a picture on our first time out golfing with the kids!