Break

I believe that when you become a mother you have given up all opportunities to have a break. In the job world you have to legally give an employee a 15 minute break for every 4 hours they work. At least 8 years ago when I was apart of corporate America it was that way! Wouldn't it be great if a bell went off in your house and you got to just look at your kids and say, "It is Mommy's 15 minute break." No one can need anything from me for 15 minutes!
When your a mother you can leave your kids, but it takes a ton of work to get away from them. I miss them when I'm away from them. I wonder how long they slept, what they ate, were the kids nice to them at school, did they eat all their lunch, do they miss me?
As I rocked my teething/ear infected baby for the umpteenth time tonight I thought about how I needed a break. It has been almost 2 years since I've been away from my kids for more than about 6 hours in the daylight! I sorta laughed to myself at the idea of getting a nice long 24 hours away from all 4 of them, because the process to get away for that long would be daunting and then I would be thinking about them "most" of the time.  As Austin read his books to me at bedtime I laid there thinking about a Camp for Mothers. (yes, I was really thinking this during bedtime! I do the same bedtime routine with 3 kids so I take myself to other places in my mind!) This camp would be only for Mother's who's children haven't turned 3 years old yet. Cause there is something extremely daunting about children under 3. Mother's quickly forget how challenging it is once their child has entered the 3 1/2 or 4 year mark. I did.
It would need to be a Camp that was only 3 days long...just long enough to get rest, but short enough to not bring on an anxiety attack. Your spouse could join you on the 3rd night. This camp would be a place where all questions would have to posed in the form of a response, so you wouldn't feel pressured to make any decisions.

Heidi looks like she could use a "break"...poor thing got mistaken for a boy today..."What a cute little fella!"

 You would be free to talk about your children as much as you wanted, but could not be offended if another camper got up and walked away if she didn't want to hear kid talk!
You would not be judged if you missed your children or left to go home after the first 6 hours.

Our children never leave us. Yes, they turn 18, they move out, but I can't imagine not thinking about them, being worried about them, praying for them. I'm starting to think that there is no "season" of motherhood that doesn't hold the occasional wish, deep down in our thoughts, for a "break."
However, I will say that I need, want, and even deserve a break from this child...after today!

tantrum happening because I won't let him have the camera

Don walked in as I was checking emails.."are you watching him?"... whoops

This time I was watching him and had my camera on the counter!  It's just a butter knife!

I pick up our neighbor boy for school. As he loaded in the van this morning I asked, "why a grumpy face?" On the verge of tears he said he was starving. He didn't have time to finish his breakfast. I offered up fruit snacks or mini chips ahoy, both of which I had in the console. He smiled and said No Thanks! I watched from my mirror as Molly took her Nutcracker Toy and had it start talking to him, "Are you starving? I eat nuts, chomp, chomp, chomp." The neighbor boy laughed. Grant then told him about what was in his lunch. Austin started doing his deep "funny" voice. He does this deep growl and says "kids to school." Which made me laugh out loud! We all started to do the funny voice and tried to get our bashful neighbor boy to do it too! He got out of the car smiling. Grant said he would give me a kiss, but then jumped out the van..."Hey, I was expecting a kiss." I got that super sweet smile that melts my heart..."I can't now."

I might need a stiff drink or meds by the end of the day, but the reality is I'm okay with never having a break. I would probably only last about 12 hours at the Mommy Camp anyway!

Thankful Heart

I was having a chat with my wise "little" Grandma (she calls herself little, so I use it!). I was doing some whining and trying to figure out why some things were going they way they were. How overwhelming all of it is and how I don't want to deal with it! She told me I needed to get my heart back to being Thankful. I can sit there and say, "I'm thankful for my kids, my life, etc, etc." but I'm not taking it any further then my head and out my mouth. I needed to let it soak and resonate in my heart. I need to "own" what God has given me. It was interesting, cause as she said it I realized I hadn't been outside for a run in over 2 weeks. Taking myself outside of "my life" and spending it in solitude, quiet, nature, God beauty, God given creation...well, it takes me outside my head. I clear my head. When I tell people I don't like to get up and get dressed for a run if it is less then 3 miles...it is because it takes that long to get out of my head and turn my heart to what I have to be thankful for. Then I pray when I'm out there that God would give my children "grateful hearts" and that self-pity would only come for an occasional visit, but not stay long!

photo taken by cbyatesphotography.com

We stayed home on Thanksgiving Day this year. Did a whole lotta nothing! I made a Turkey and green bean casserole and sweet potato suffle. Costco did the rest! I had the kids cut out big number "4" and on the back we wrote the date and what we were thankful 4! I said, "write about 4 things." Molly says, "I've got about 12!" Justice (the clothing store) was one of them. She copied a few from her dad too! 

Kim and Jessica were on my list. Friends in High School. My "people" that I do daily life with!

Molly said "dance" and I have to agree with her. She has found something she loves. It goes deep as she always taps and moves to some beat in her head! We are thankful that the girls she dances with 6 hours a week have give her laughter and fun. We might have "drama" at school, but she has never shared anything negative about her dance girls. Makes this mom heart very thankful!

I'm thankful for my "moms group" at Lifegate church. Being a stay at home mom can get long and lonely. Getting to hang out with 10 other women who have kids the same age, are doing the same things at home, practicing the same faith, having the same priorities, tackling the same challenges with kids, husbands, home, well it makes me feel normal, sane, not alone.

I'm always saying I'm thankful for my husband, his work ethic, his perserverence in a job/career that he wouldn't "pick," but it pays well, he is good at it, and frankly, I think it is where God wants him right now. He is Thankful for it and I think God blesses it for this reason!

Took this pic on Rosco's 10th Birthday...Thankful for such a "good" dog!

Grant stated he was thankful for his friends Tommy and Kalvin. I am thankful for them too! My best friends kids...I'm uber thankful that they all really like eachother, love eachother, and have fun together...with very little fighting!

  I am thankful this year for the Swimming Pool that came from the
 "fruits of Don's labor"  Thankful for my friend Susie!  She might also say she is thankful for our pool!

I'm thankful for the luxury of being able to shop on Black Friday. I got all the Christmas Shopping done in one night, while the kids slept, with a friend, and I saved about $40! No, I saved a little more than that...didn't save myself the embarrassment of being asked for a different credit card.."it didn't go through," which is the new verbage to help avoid making you feel guilty for buying something you clearly can't afford. It is a little better than "your card has been declined." I'm thankful I have this blog to share what I would have said to my check-out clerk and the hundreds of people in line behind me..."I'm an overwhelmed Momma to 4 kids, I've been to the Doctor so many times in the last 4 weeks I have questionaires coming from the Insurance Company on fraud, I swear I paid that card, if I hit my credit limit then I have a lot more to be worried about then the damn iPod Touch I "had" to have, just give me a few minutes of uninterrupted time to pay my bills, cause if I think about it I'm pretty sure I wrote the payment in my check register, but forgot to pay it! Oh, and if you don't pay your bill then they don't let you charge anymore til you pay it!!! So, I guess this exhausted Mother will just give you the husband's credit card and hope he doesn't tell me I won't be going back to Target for a VERY long time. Cause this store is one of my sanity savers! Thank you very much!

6 Months

I can't believe it is November 17th and my baby is 6 months old. This is my favorite age in baby land. She isn't mobile, on a fairly decent schedule, is social, and loves to smile and laugh...how can you not love this age!?  Add the fact that Heidi is one of those babies that I would be envious of other mothers having. She is a "magical" sleeper, smiles all the time, mellow, content, and has no interest in using her legs (which means she won't be walking too soon!). I predict she will talk before she walks as she is quite chatty and won't even stand when you hold her up!!!!

Now, before you become envious of me because of this "easy" baby I have been given, just know that it took 3 "challenging" babies to get the 1 easy!!! If I would have had her first I think I may have had 2 more and since they are all c-sections then it was good that I had it "taken care of."

Ok, I will let you try some of my banana. But just this once!

Knowing it is my last baby has brought a whole different level of emotions to watching Heidi grow. I thought Grant would be my last. I cuddled on him more, but I was in a different place as a mom then and was just happy to know we could "move on" and I wouldn't be pregnant again! With Heidi I'm grieving the months as they pass so quickly. I have wept the evening before Molly's Birthdays as she is my first and it marks so many things for me. Heidi marks the end. Poor thing will probably have some complex as she grows. I will cry over every little milestone and I'm always telling her to "stop growing!" She probably won't move out of the house til she is 25 for fear of causing a breakdown in me, or she will eagerly pack her stuff at 18 and not come home til Christmas!!!! 

 Enough about that, I might cry!

Where's my food Mom? No food Heidi, we are just trying out the new chair!

So, we haven't started baby food yet. Not cause I'm on some "health" kick. It marks a milestone and I'm not ready yet! You might have to ask for it. Or the next time Austin shoves Apple Jacks in your  mouth you should just eat it...instead of screaming!

On your 6 month Birthday I marked a milestone of my own. I ran in a 10 mile race and completed it...in a time I could live with! The women's body is an amazing thing. Something I want to teach my girls! God made women to carry miracles and He loves it when we are in awe of his creation. So, my Heidi...your Momma ran 10 miles 6 months after delivering you via c-section. I'm a little sore, but I mentally I feel good! God can carry you through any situation....and I know He will carry me through all your milestones...with joy and maybe a few tears!

We took 2nd place in the costume contest! (There were only 3 of us dressed up!)
I need to remind myself not to take life so seriously! Dressing up always helps!

Austin=Anxiety

Anxiety must be my theme this week! I decided to look up the definition to see if it is accurate of my mental state these days...

: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it

I laughed out loud at the "self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it!!!" Yep, Anxiety would be the word to define my week..or maybe my life as a mom! 

I wish I could just keep Austin in a "caged" area at all times. I should have rubber covers on all corners, a baby gate on the top/bottom of stairs, all rugs folded up (so he can't trip), security alarms on all doors and windows, maybe just a detection device on him would be best! He needs to be on a leash when outside...like a nice cloth bungee cord hooked to the house! I've asked Don to figure out a comfortable bubble wrap contraption to put around him. We could patent it and make a bunch of money. All the other Mother's out there with a "wild" child like mine would snatch 'em up! 
I could give you a rundown of the "things" Austin does to bring up my pulse rate, cause sweating, and tension. But, the fact is there isn't enough room on this blog or time on my hands, cause I'm too busy making sure Austin is not being injured!

He will be 2 years old in 2 weeks

We started off our Wednesday at 6am with Austin taking his feet and banging them against the wall. Molly and Grant are in the basement on beds right now and Molly awoke to it...Austin is on the top floor of house. There is no questioning why my older kids don't want to share a room with this toddler! Austin is the reason we are putting more money into our house...so everyone has their own room! So, this morning we were all talking about how next week will go, when Austin gets moved out of the crib and into his "big boy bed!" Molly thinks he will come wake her up first, Don said he will be in the kitchen getting his own cereal out of cupboard at 6am, and I stated that if we need it then a baby gate will be put at Austin's bedroom door! Don said "if" is not the word it is "when." Molly thought that was pretty funny! Don left for work and 2 minutes later my "when" boy gets down from the kitchen chair and catches his eye on the corner of the table! I saw it in slow motion as I sat feeding Heidi. I got up, laid her in the dark Living Room and was swooping Austin up by the time he reacted, and the blood started! 
I think there are mother's that get hit with consistent visits to the ER, they buy their Doctors Christmas gifts, and their children can show off their scars. Then there are the mother's that can count on 1 hand how times they have visited the ER with their 18 year old child! It isn't that their children are less crazy then the other mothers, it is just that we all can't have those "accident" prone kids. It is just the way the World of Motherhood works. 
God is kind and good and He knows my children and I'm thankful He knows me! I switched Pediatricians when I found out I was prego with Austin. My first one was moving to a location even further away. I interviewed 2 and settled on the 3rd. He is kind and understanding and exactly what God knew I would need for Austin! I think the fact my boy was 11lbs at birth was God's way of telling me He has my little guy in His sights. He knew Austin would need the extra padding!

My Peds Dr had me swing in to check out Austin's eye. I needed to go there anyway to pick up the Birthday invites Austin stuck behind the computer monitor in the exam room (I didn't know they were gone til I went to look for them!) Thankfully the swelling was causing the cut to stay together and it would heal fine. The  eyelid is a tricky spot to stitch/glue! 

Motherhood is hard. As mother's we shouldn't be quick to judge other mother's. We should be quick to have compassion on one another! Cause, that little boy running through the aisles at Target with the black eye...his mother spends her quiet moments praying that God would send extra Angels to protect him. She might be on the cusp of an anxiety attack and your judgement might send her over the edge!!!! Oh, and that little boy gets to take a nap, and his mother can't quiet her mind long enough to enjoy one! 

I love him so much it makes my heart hurt!

Mommy anxiety

Do you ever get hit with anxiety over the idea you may be screwing your child up? Maybe I put too much pressure on them to be something or do something that will have negative impacts in 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Is this life we created too busy? Are they going to say they didn't get a childhood?

I stopped making dinner a couple weeks ago. I've been a touch overwhelmed with sickness, schedules, and the grumbling that came with every meal. After eating some wonderful homemade pulled pork, pasta salad, and deviled eggs tonight, I have to say I've missed dinners! Figuring out how to make dinner fit in our evenings, what to make, when to make it, how to get the kids to eat it without complaint, cleaning it up. I don't know...so much work...maybe in 2013!

I can only hope that the decisions I make each day for my kids are the right ones. That the "what ifs" don't overcome my thoughts. I keep my focus on the gifts God has given me...my children. He picked me to be their mother and with God's guidance I will give them an wonderful childhood! It may not hold wonderful memories of delicious meals made by their mom, but I like to think I have other things to offer them...like lots of laughter!


photos were taken by cbyatesphotography.com 

Welcome November

 I should have gotten a clue that it was going to be a long week when the ER Doctor told me Grant's arm was "just a bruise." My mom gut said that was all it was, but then there is the small part of me that wasn't sure! I pay hundreds of dollars in my health insurance premiums, why not take 3 hours out of my Sunday morning to know for sure. I got some quality time at the hospital with Molly and Grant!
I got to do Halloween night alone with 4 kids. Don got invited on an all expense "fun" trip to Las Vegas. This rarely happens, so he was all over it.

I didn't realize how exhausting it would be to dress 4 kids in costumes. Get them to our traditional Halloween starting spot...Kim and Kyle's house. I had to feed them, get them to pose for pictures, and then trick or treating, all of this while dealing with Austin's terror over my friends life-size witch.  It didn't help it started inside and Kyle moved it outside to scare the trick or treaters!

My friend Kim (center) has an obsession with everything Halloween. It doesn't even have to cackle like a witch. She has these skeleton things hanging in her house that play some "who let the dogs out" song. (Austin is scared of those things too). Her neighborhood is perfect for going door to door. She is moving into my hood, so we might be moving the party to Jessica's house!
Austin made it through about 10 houses and he was done. Wanted to eat his candy! About 8 houses in and Molly collides with Tommy (Chewbacca). Running in a tutu with boots and a candy bag is not a good idea. Poor thing ripped her tights in both knees and skinned up her hands.
She is crying as I try and get Austin to stop taking more than 2 candies from the treaters. Then Heidi decides she has had enough! Thank God I have amazing friends and live in an amazing community!

Austin pulled a Picaso on my Family Room chair. Did it while I was putting Heidi to sleep. I put a lot of thought into my house...decorating is a sort of hobby for me. So, to see this was very upsetting. I am constantly reminded that nothing is my own, and nothing I own stays nice.
The very next day I get another dose of this reality. My sweet baby vomited her entire 6oz bottle all over me and my sofa. About 3 hours later and I'm feeding her a bottle on the leather chair. Austin had been whining and clingy. He sits up next to me. Puts his head on my chest and lets it rip. Vomit, like days worth of food, all over me, Heidi, and my leather chair. Heidi is screaming, Austin is crying, and I am stunned. I'm dripping in vomit. The striped chair in the picture also got hit with vomit. So, yes...all the furniture in my family room was hit.
I heard this "stomach bug" was going around. My friend Kim saw her whole family hit with it over the course of 7 days. She commented that she wished they all would have gotten it at same time. Jessica got hit with it on Friday. Same day as my babes. Saturday night falls on the Zeleny house and I feel it creeping. The weak stomach and body aches. Before I start visiting the toilet, Molly comes to my room covered in puke. I've never and hope to never again experience a night like this...Molly vomits, then I start. I'm at the toilet vomiting as she is behind me vomiting into her hands and it is landing all over my back. Then about 45 minutes later and Grant pays us a visit! Don slept on the couch! I spent the night vomiting, rubbing the backs of my kids as they vomited, cleaning out vomit bowls, washing vomit laundry. I think Kim must have said a prayer that if I got hit that it would be all of us at one time! I don't think my kids will forget being sick with their Momma! I know I won't!