Childlike Love

I've never set my own love for my children aside and considered that the love I have for them is the same love they have for me. I did that today. I had an epiphany!

I was a real scheduled speaker for the first time at our MOPS group. It was my second time speaking to a crowd of women. I don't mind the standing in front of a group part. It is the preparing to share, have something to share with a point in it, and walking away not over analyzing your words that is the hard part! I shared today about perfectionism stealing our ability to fully enjoy motherhood. When we have this death grip on certain parts of our lives it keeps us from truly experiencing the joy of our kids. When we release the expectations we can find peace and deep satisfaction in being a mother. I ended my spiel with a reminder that our children love us unconditionally. 

My ugly moments are forgotten by my little ones. My older ones remember a little longer! My little ones still want Mom to read to them at bedtime, still want to invite Mom to their birthday party, still run down the driveway when Mom leaves. They still want me even when I haven't been at my best. They don't have high expectations for me with a list of things they couldn't check off. They just have love.

So, tonight as I drove home with just Molly and she started asking when I was leaving? Leaving for what? She saw my notes on the calendar about being gone Thursday til Sunday of next week. She asked if I HAD to go? The question led to the crackling voice of a nine year old saying when I am gone she cries at night. She can't sleep if I'm not there. She won't be able to see me or talk to me. This conversation comes a week after I talk to Grant about some journaling I asked him to do to help work through some emotions! His journaling is filled with comments about Mom and Dad leaving and something happening to us. We have a trip away planned for the first time in years. Anxiety over loosing me has my older children all tied up in knots.

Happy 9th Birthday Molly Ryane

As mothers we sometimes get those crippling, knee buckling, punch in the stomach, fear moments when some awful thought creeps in and your mind is taken to one of the kids being gone. Terror moment of not being able to peel yourself off the floor. The idea that your world would stop and life would forever be changed in a moment. Thank God those terrible thoughts only creep in few and far between. I had not stopped to think that my children get hit with those terrible thoughts as well. Their world would forever be changed if I was taken from them. They would survive, but they would forever be different. They are old enough now to start to grasp fear and the 'what ifs.' 
It is so odd to me that I never stopped to realize my children might love me as much as I love them! Is that because I have a list of expectations for myself that I can't check off, so it makes me less lovable. I hate it when I realize how life has clouded my thoughts. How I can't just love like a child or accept love like a child. No strings, no expectations, just love, unconditional love.

Molly and her American Girl Doll "Molly"