The first month of summer break is done. Amazing how fast the time flies. The things we accomplish during the weeks. How much we pack into the days. How much tattling, and whining, and arguing, and crying happens. It is outweighed by the laughter of my kids in the mid morning, eating breakfast at 9am, hearing my kids splash for hours in the pool, evenings that find me not wanting them to have to go to bed. This is summer. It is wishing I get to spend everyday of the year with them. Then the next part of the day is beating myself up for not using any sort of manners or calm voice with them. If I had them at home with me everyday of the year I would have a total complex over my mothering capabilities! We have these trails that Don has mowed in the empty lots next door. Austin rides his Gator all the way back in there and then occassionally gets it stuck! I was walking the trail with Austin running ahead of me. I was completely overcome with this sense of how amazing my life is... it stayed long enough for me to take notice of what is around me. To look up in the sky and thank God for what I have. Then...back to reality!
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How we process or deal with reality is part of our genetic make-up. There are those that don't care much for looking at reality. Then there are those who look at it and freak-out about it. It's not that the first group doesn't care, it's just that they don't really care! They aren't wired to look that hard. It doesn't sink in and go deep and get processed and analyzed and pondered and discussed and thought about some more. I'm not sure they are content with the way things are, but they aren't really sure what to do about reality so they don't pay it much attention. Neither is better than the other. Both ways have very positive and negative things about the way they face reality.
I'm in the second group. The one that takes reality and battles it over and over in my head. I even battle the reality that the way I look at reality is unrealistic! Now I sound dramatic. One reality is no one can watch my kids as well as I do. Then the next part of that reality is that I can't keep my eyes on my kids 24/7 either. So, I process that reality with the other reality and it makes this knot in my stomach. I have four of these little people...and one of them is Austin!
Don hasn't come up with a way to bubble wrap Austin. I don't have a security cam attached to him. I wish I could equip him with a GPS system! But, the reality is I can't control everything. Thankfully, I have a God to be the bubble wrap and/or prompt me to remember, "keep praying protection for your children and be the mother, the mother Austin needs."
I had eight kids at my house last night. I told the designated "babysitters" to "keep an eye on Austin," while I rocked Heidi to sleep. About 15 minutes later I can downstairs to laughter coming from the basement. I remembered the hose was running on a tree outside by the pool. Better go turn that off. When I step outside I notice the pool guy is cleaning my filters with the hose (at 7pm on a Friday night) and Austin is sliding down the slide on the swing set. I'm confused by both scenes and ask Shane, "Did Austin come out after you were out here? How long have you been here? Have you seen anyone come out to check on Austin?" He answers me with a short, "been out awhile." Followed by a, "your pool gate should automatically latch behind you. You need to call the fence company and have that fixed. I tried to look at it and not sure why it isn't self latching, but you need to have it fixed." Pool guy is annoyed with the fact there is an unattended two year old in the backyard playing next to an in ground 9ft pool of water. I put the note "freak out about this incident" in the back of my mind and proceed to asking the pool guy why my water has turned green. I was outside for another 20 minutes and still no babysitter checking on my little guy.
On my way inside, Molly came out asking when we were leaving. I immediately told her we would not leave until Austin was safely tucked into bed, because no one was watching him like I had asked. She got this registered look of concern. She went downstairs and announced to the others what I had said. Yes, I talked to the 13 year old I had put in charge and explained what happened and could have happened. But, the only person I am beating up is myself.
Today, today I am sick over the 'what if's.' Today I am wrestling with the reality of what could have happened if the pool guy hadn't been outside with my two year old. Today I am nauseated. I am dealing with the reality that no one can watch my Austin the way I can. That God picked me to be his mother because I am hyper-sensitive to reality. I think and process and analyze and envision far ahead into the 'what could happen if...'
This character trait I possess is good for mothering a very very busy and independent two year. But, then this character trait isn't good for mothering a very very busy and independent two year old. It is the old saying of 'our strongest trait can also be our biggest weakness.' When we become mother's this screams out in obvious form.
The reality is my children are not mine, they belong to God. He gave me each one as a gift. A gift He entrusted me to take very good care of, but it was given by Him. I prayed almost daily last summer that our pool would be one where the memories are only those of laughter and fun. I haven't prayed that much this summer. God prompted my pool guy to 'stop by my house' when he was done at the neighbors. God knew there would be a little boy who's mother was busy rocking his baby sister. A little boy who would rather be on his slide outside then in the basement with the big kids. God was reminding me to not just keep praying protection, but He was reminding me that He is protecting. He is in control. I can let go of the fear of reality and rest in the peace that my God is for me. My God gave me gifts and didn't walk away expecting me to take care of them alone.
When I started typing this post my hands shook. I had just come downstairs after watching Austin fall asleep for his nap. Looking at his soft cheeks and asking myself, "how could I be such a fool to trust that anyone could watch him?" But, processing the reality of my emotions calms me. Letting my thoughts come out on a screen frees them. I have peace as I close this post. Peace is like therapy to the soul...
Some Adrianisms by Adrian Rogers
(a book my Grandmother gave me years ago...one of my favorites)
~Do your best and then sleep in peace.
God is awake.
~When you are not afraid of dying, only then can you live.
by Adrian Rogers
~We are too blessed to be stressed.
~It is safer on the waves with Jesus then in the boat without Him.
~the title to my post was also by Adrian Rogers
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