I'm hoping that writing will ease some of my tension....
I've never had a summer with four kids that walk and talk. Heidi is two years old now and she is engaged with her siblings in the vocal demands, the fighting with her brothers, and the need for independence. She is no longer content to sit on my hip and observe. She prefers to walk in a parking lot, get herself into the van without assistance, voice her objections over outfits she wears, she has decided she hates bath time, and she no longer loves Dora the Explorer. The girl must sleep with a bow in her hair and a book in her bed. She has 4 stuffed animals in her crib and 5 blankets. I purchased panties on a whim at Target. The little girl has no desire to go anywhere near the toilet, but she wants to wear the underwear. You'd think by baby number four I would know the 'tricks' of motherhood, but each child reminds me I have no clue what I'm doing! I've determined children these days are not motivated by treats, because candy is not that special when you get it all the time. I really don't care if she isn't potty trained or that she prefers the crib. I have no interest in having her grow up. When they get older it just gets harder.
Molly has an Instagram account. Grant has some game with the word "clan" in it, "clash of clans," or something, where apparently you can text within this game. I monitor and ask questions, and I get kick back from them over everything. They are too young to understand the "scary" in this world. Literally everything I say has a rebuttal from them. It is mentally exhausting. Don't get me started on the request for friends to come over, and then Don ask if I have a babysitter lined up so we can do a date night, and I think my brain might explode. I've lost all motivation to ask anyone for anything...it is too much work! My big kids have also made bedtime into more demands. They don't want to go to bed and then once they are there it is request for me to lay with them and the latest is them asking when they can sleep with me!!! My heart wants to lay with each of them and rub their back and tell them stories and watch them fall asleep. My head just wants the demands to be done. For me to have time to just sit and go more then ten minutes without someone asking me something. I battle the selfish desires with the desires of my children to want to be with me. I know the time is going quickly, my firstborn is planning her tenth Birthday party and Austin just got his first backpack. I'm human. I had a breakdown with Molly this summer, I started weeping and told her "it's not all about you. I'm a person too!" Needless to say that got her, she shut her mouth about me getting her to dance twenty minutes late. Then there is the "all things should be fair," child...Grant. Each day I am told that Molly or Austin has gotten something he has not gotten, and each day I remind him that he has gotten things that Molly and Austin have not gotten. I'm reminded that we are not born Thankful people. We must train our thoughts to appreciate what we have, to be content. So I remind him and I loose my patience with him and then I pray for him, and for me.
Then there is my three year old, bundle of joy, Austin James. The lack of routine and structure has been hard for him this summer. The order he needs has not been there and as we get closer to school starting I find he is loosing his patience. He would live in the swimming pool, but his siblings don't want to swim 24/7, he wants to play with them, and they want to be left alone. He wants to do everything they get to do, but he is only three. I overheard Grant's friend ask him how old he is, Austin's response, "I'm four. No, I'm not four. I'm seven." He never did tell the boy he is three!
Being a mom this summer has been hard. I've called Don in tears telling him I'm not enjoying the kids. I want to enjoy them. It's so much work, all the time, never-ending. Even when there is quiet then I'm thinking about them and making a list in my head of how I've failed them. Maybe that is where the stress headache lies. In the lie that I've failed them. That I'm doing a shitty job. The reality is the reports from teachers and their friends parents are that they are good kids. Maybe that's the problem, I don't get the 'good' kids. Don watched them swim the other night and he commented that our kids are selfish. My response, "we get them at their worst." They are their best for everyone else, and I know that is how it's suppose to be, but I'm jealous. I want the Molly that laughs and cheers on her friends, and the Grant that is sweet and tender and kind.
This summer I've missed the little things. I've let all the hard parts take over the good parts. I've always prided myself on finding the good amidst the challenging. This summer has taken me over and got me off track.
I've stopped hitting the pavement, running. I tried for two weeks to get up at 5:30am and run, but I was too exhausted to get through the day. I've gone this whole year without a pedicure, actually painted my own toes (unheard of for me). I haven't seen a movie. Haven't been on a walk with a friend. I've had some good date nights, Thank God! I haven't shopped this summer...as in walked around some stores looking and trying on clothes. Not that these things should be done, but I've made time for them in the past. The days go too fast and frankly, I'm too tired!
I will post my favorite pictures from this summer. A picture does not say a thousand words, but just a few. They do capture the small moments. Memory making, amidst the learning about how to get through a day with pieces of me still in tact. Memory making, amidst the list of failures. Pictures, a reminder that I'm not failing, but I'm being stretched. That at the end of the summer I can remind myself that God created day with night, because we only have enough strength to get through a day. And He created seasons, because we need the reminder that all things pass and there is a new season ahead!
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| We did the "hike" at the Wildlife Safari. We were in our flip flops and had no water. the .8 miles listed on map felt more like 5 miles. The scenery along the trail was beautiful! |
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| Camping with Cousins! |
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| I can't get enough of his smile! |
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| The stream that ran alongside our campground in Colorado Springs |
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| This is a taken by "Dad" who never uses camera picture! Makes me laugh out loud. |
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| This girl loves being under a beach towel! |
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| A shopping trip with Mom, meant bribery with candy! |
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| The First Pool Picture of summer |
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| Adventureland with Friends |
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| This smile is for the train in the background |
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| A stop to see Mrs Jone's new library. Boy, will we miss seeing her at Gretna Elementary! |
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| A Target trip with my two littles |
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| This picture happened many times this summer, POPSICLES! |
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| The LONG line to ride a Pony was worth it. The smiles say it all. Thank you Gretna Days for this memory! |
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| Train Ride at Santa' Workshop at Pike's Peak |
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| Garden of the Gods in Colorado with Uncle Mikey |
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| She sucked on this jawbreaker for 3 days. Weeks later it is still sitting in her room! |
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| Golf Cart rides at Great Grandma's house |
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| This picture makes me laugh! We tried our first family selfie. We don't have arms long enough to fit all of us in the picture! We wanted to snap a picture on our first time out golfing with the kids! |
