~Failure is not Final

The first month of summer break is done. Amazing how fast the time flies. The things we accomplish during the weeks. How much we pack into the days. How much tattling, and whining, and arguing, and crying happens. It is outweighed by the laughter of my kids in the mid morning, eating breakfast at 9am, hearing my kids splash for hours in the pool, evenings that find me not wanting them to have to go to bed. This is summer. It is wishing I get to spend everyday of the year with them. Then the next part of the day is beating myself up for not using any sort of manners or calm voice with them. If I had them at home with me everyday of the year I would have a total complex over my mothering capabilities! We have these trails that Don has mowed in the empty lots next door. Austin rides his Gator all the way back in there and then occassionally gets it stuck! I was walking the trail with Austin running ahead of me. I was completely overcome with this sense of how amazing my life is... it stayed long enough for me to take notice of what is around me. To look up in the sky and thank God for what I have. Then...back to reality!

How we process or deal with reality is part of our genetic make-up. There are those that don't care much for looking at reality. Then there are those who look at it and freak-out about it. It's not that the first group doesn't care, it's just that they don't really care! They aren't wired to look that hard. It doesn't sink in and go deep and get processed and analyzed and pondered and discussed and thought about some more. I'm not sure they are content with the way things are, but they aren't really sure what to do about reality so they don't pay it much attention. Neither is better than the other. Both ways have very positive and negative things about the way they face reality. 
I'm in the second group. The one that takes reality and battles it over and over in my head. I even battle the reality that the way I look at reality is unrealistic! Now I sound dramatic. One reality is no one can watch my kids as well as I do. Then the next part of that reality is that I can't keep my eyes on my kids 24/7 either. So, I process that reality with the other reality and it makes this knot in my stomach. I have four of these little people...and one of them is Austin! 

Don hasn't come up with a way to bubble wrap Austin. I don't have a security cam attached to him. I wish I could equip him with a GPS system! But, the reality is I can't control everything. Thankfully, I have a God to be the bubble wrap and/or prompt me to remember, "keep praying protection for your children and be the mother, the mother Austin needs."

I had eight kids at my house last night. I told the designated "babysitters" to "keep an eye on Austin," while I rocked Heidi to sleep. About 15 minutes later I can downstairs to laughter coming from the basement. I remembered the hose was running on a tree outside by the pool. Better go turn that off. When I step outside I notice the pool guy is cleaning my filters with the hose (at 7pm on a Friday night) and Austin is sliding down the slide on the swing set. I'm confused by both scenes and ask Shane, "Did Austin come out after you were out here? How long have you been here? Have you seen anyone come out to check on Austin?" He answers me with a short, "been out awhile." Followed by a, "your pool gate should automatically latch behind you. You need to call the fence company and have that fixed. I tried to look at it and not sure why it isn't self latching, but you need to have it fixed." Pool guy is annoyed with the fact there is an unattended two year old in the backyard playing next to an in ground 9ft pool of water. I put the note "freak out about this incident" in the back of my mind and proceed to asking the pool guy why my water has turned green. I was outside for another 20 minutes and still no babysitter checking on my little guy. 

On my way inside, Molly came out asking when we were leaving. I immediately told her we would not leave until Austin was safely tucked into bed, because no one was watching him like I had asked. She got this registered look of concern. She went downstairs and announced to the others what I had said. Yes, I talked to the 13 year old I had put in charge and explained what happened and could have happened. But, the only person I am beating up is myself. 

Today, today I am sick over the 'what if's.' Today I am wrestling with the reality of what could have happened if the pool guy hadn't been outside with my two year old. Today I am nauseated. I am dealing with the reality that no one can watch my Austin the way I can. That God picked me to be his mother because I am hyper-sensitive to reality. I think and process and analyze and envision far ahead into the 'what could happen if...' 

This character trait I possess is good for mothering a very very busy and independent two year. But, then this character trait isn't good for mothering a very very busy and independent two year old. It is the old saying of 'our strongest trait can also be our biggest weakness.' When we become mother's this screams out in obvious form. 

The reality is my children are not mine, they belong to God. He gave me each one as a gift. A gift He entrusted me to take very good care of, but it was given by Him. I prayed almost daily last summer that our pool would be one where the memories are only those of laughter and fun. I haven't prayed that much this summer. God prompted my pool guy to 'stop by my house' when he was done at the neighbors. God knew there would be a little boy who's mother was busy rocking his baby sister. A little boy who would rather be on his slide outside then in the basement with the big kids. God was reminding me to not just keep praying protection, but He was reminding me that He is protecting. He is in control. I can let go of the fear of reality and rest in the peace that my God is for me. My God gave me gifts and didn't walk away expecting me to take care of them alone. 

When I started typing this post my hands shook. I had just come downstairs after watching Austin fall asleep for his nap. Looking at his soft cheeks and asking myself, "how could I be such a fool to trust that anyone could watch him?" But, processing the reality of my emotions calms me. Letting my thoughts come out on a screen frees them. I have peace as I close this post. Peace is like therapy to the soul...

 Some Adrianisms by Adrian Rogers 

(a book my Grandmother gave me years ago...one of my favorites)

~Do your best and then sleep in peace.

            God is awake.

                  

                                         ~When you are not afraid of dying, only then can you live. 

by Adrian Rogers

~We are too blessed to be stressed.
                        ~It is safer on the waves with Jesus then in the boat without Him.

~the title to my post was also by Adrian Rogers

A Saturday Morning Devotion

I've recently gotten better acquainted with "insecurity." In other words, it seems to be showing up on a daily basis in my life. Whether it is in my own head or I'm experiencing it coming out in the person I am talking to. Either way I don't want to be acquainted with it, but I get the feeling it wants to be my friend. It hangs out when I am in my closet sharing unpleasant comments, it makes me feel like I have 'too many kids,' that I'm not capable of raising well. It doesn't want me to have any friends, because it makes me doubt the loyalty and love of the ones I have. It makes me tired as I argue with it. I tell it that it's not true, but it's so damn persistent. 
I'm annoyed I woke up and it was already talking to me. Really? I haven't even opened my eyes! What am I going to do about this annoying houseguest? I guess the first step is what I'm doing now, acknowledging it is affecting my life.  Now to figure out a way to get it to leave. It is persistent and strong. I am tired and I can push it away with all the things my day requires, but I know it is there. Isn't that the thing about the 'i' word (I don't even like saying it), it is always there. In my life it normally hangs out in the shadows. Rarely appears, because I don't usually let it hang out long enough to make it self at home. But, I unfortunately let it in without knowing it and it made it self at home in my guest room. Before I knew it, it has left bits and pieces of itself all over my house. I'm done cleaning up everyday. Time to get it to leave. Easier said than done!

Thankful God gave Molly self assurance!

Many years ago I suffered a crippling effect of insecurity. Threw me into a tailspin of depression. One of the amazing things about going through something like that is you learn a few important skills about 'training' your thoughts. Surrendering my crippling thoughts of doubt to God took me  two years, but it was the only thing that worked. Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matt 11:28-30). 
Ok, I've done that, I do that, now what?! If you flip thru the bible or read any daily devotion book, you will see it filled with 'giving Thanks' to God or praising God for what He has done. Psalms is filled with David in distress over situations and then the next verse is him writing about giving thanks for all things. "Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." 

Today I will shift my thoughts to what I am thankful to God for... I might even ask God to give me some suggestions on what to be thankful for, that especially comes in helpful when I'm in my closet!
I opened the "Jesus Calling" devotional this morning and turned to June 17th by mistake, but with God there are no mistakes, because it was exactly what I needed.. 
Learn to laugh at yourself more freely. Don't take yourself or your circumstances so seriously. Relax and know that I am God with you.

So, please don't take this post so seriously! It was what I needed to get out this morning and I feel prompted to share it.  I like knowing I am not alone in the things I feel and the challenges I face. I figure that are a few others out there who can read this and be encouraged, you aren't alone!

Happy Wedding Weekend ahead for us!!! I love weddings! I also love my kids...Thankful God gave me 4 of them....

Two kinds of Crazy

As a mom there are a couple kinds of crazy. There is the baby/toddler stuck at home wiping butts, cleaning bottles or cleaning a spot off the couch to nurse, crazy. Then there is the we have a jammed packed day of getting to one spot from another to another in a set amount of time with no room for a traffic jam, crazy. I don't have to stop and think about which crazy I prefer, the one that doesn't have I changed five poopy diapers as the answer to "what I did today." 

Spring Recital 

 If you don't like seeing dance pictures than you might want to skip reading my blog! My firstborn Loves to perform. I enjoy watching her. And the pictures are super cute! Who doesn't love seeing little girls dressed up being "little girls." 

Ballet Number

 Don is the typical "guy" who fights dozing off during a dance recital. I'm not sure if it is due to boredom or the fact he was reading the Sunday Paper in the line outside the auditorium at 8am, two hours before showtime! I don't tell him to go that early, he just doesn't want to watch his daughter from the nosebleed section! 

I had the babysitter at the house by 8:45am to watch the 'littles.' After having myself and Molly ready for the day and forcing Grant into a Polo shirt we headed out to conquer a very full day! I volunteered to be the "dance mom" for the first time. This meant making sure all these very energetic girls made it from the fitting room to the stage. I counted 9 heads 5 times and went up and down the Burke High stairs at least 10 times for the 5 performances the girls were in. My back hurt by the end! But, I got to be spend lots of quality time with them, snapping pictures!!!! 

en

Dance Mom
(that stupid TLC show gave the whole name a bad rap~
we don't have those Moms in our group~that I know of!)

practicing for "Hello"

She is caught up in the recital happening on the TV screens.
I sometimes wonder if she likes watching dance more than doing dance!

Performing "I can be Anything"

 As it is with everything in motherhood, change happens fast and you're never ready for it. I watched Molly perform her last recital after two years with the Jumpstart team at Nebraska Dance. A place that took the fun of performing to another level, the laughter in the studio to another place of full-on sillies as these girls spent many hours together for two years! They will get the opportunity to stay "little" as they move onto a different team with a little more challenge, and I'm sure just as much fun! Which, is how it should be, cause they are still just "little girls!"

We had 30 minutes to get from dance recital to Piano recital! I was super thankful the Gretna piano teacher had the recital in Omaha! The kid's piano teacher is one of those that I see as another God send in my kid's life. I happened to ask the School Music teacher if she had any names of teachers in Gretna. The first one on her list had an opening! Ms. Kris, she took Molly in 1st grade and had me send Grant in the summer after Kindergarten. The amazing lady takes them both for a hour and listens to them argue over who gets to go first, tattling about who didn't practice, listening to Molly scream at herself when she messes up on the notes, and Grant laugh out loud at Molly when she messes up! Molly is good at the piano, when she takes the time to practice. Grant, he has the natural ability. The teacher told me his focus for a 1st grade boy is excellent. He practices without being told and enjoys it! I'm really curious to see where it takes my kids! In the meantime, they get to practice their performing skills at Piano Recitals! As for performing, Molly is the natural...Grant, he prefers to stand behind his sister!

Our crazy day didn't end there...it took us back to another dance recital! This time we didn't stay for the entire show! Back home to wait for 'littles' to wake from naps and then off to my friends amazing, over the top, WOW, Wizard of Oz birthday party for her daughter's birthday. (wish I had a picture!)

I have to say it was the kind of day where I loved every minute! 

Although, I'm thankful it doesn't happen everyday!