Peace and Harmony

It seems the atmosphere in our home ebbs and flows. I wish the flow of peace and harmony occurred more then the ebb of challenges. I've come to assume that this is the cycle of life in relationships. I mean when we are trying to live in harmony with imperfect people and we are imperfect, then it would only be obvious that life will be imperfect! 
Marriage is one of the most complex and amazing relationships. You've made a commitment til "death do we part." If you are like myself and my husband and you are firm in the stance that there is no other options, you must work to live in peace and harmony! This can be exhausting and exhilarating all in the same day! 
Take the relationship of marriage and add the relationship of siblings and you have another ball of complexities to bring exhaustion and joy. Take four strong willed, opinion wielding, stubborn, pride induced people and you get challenges that make living in a harmonious and peaceful home something that makes you stop and wonder if it will ever get easy? Or maybe as the years go by the challenges aren't so daunting, because you've come through so much. 

Wrestling has opened Grant up to the feelings that come with loosing and being disappointed in yourself.

I can list amazing traits that each of my children have been gifted. The list would be extremely long for my older kids as I have a better understanding of their personalities. I could list about five traits each that are those you wish weren't thrown in there, or that a handbook popped out of the womb with them that allowed you insight into how to mold, instill control, and mature these particular unbecoming traits! Give that my oldest kids are 17 months and 2 weeks apart in age, they are the opposite sex, and they love each other so much that every unbecoming trait is vomited out often because of the complete and absolute security they possess in their love for one another! What you get is parents exhausted, overwhelmed, and unclear about how to move forward with consistency, love, and a firm hand.

When I say four people I mean the parents and the two older kids! Don and I aren't exactly go with the flow people. He might not state his opinion in a crowd, but he most definitely does at home! You will find me throwing my opinion out for all to hear both at home and anywhere else, I mean doesn't everybody want to hear another way to do it or look at it!? 

 I have a newfound love for babies and toddlers. My best friend has always had it and I never understood until recently, she loves everything babies and thinks they are the best part of the human life cycle...no question or doubt! She will allow everything and everyone to fall into a realm of nonexistence when she has her baby in her arms. She actually apologizes for being a terrible friend after she has given birth. Those close to her know it is coming when she is pregnant! 

It took longer to get him dressed then he was actually outside!
He was upset he couldn't sled with the big kids and what does Mom know about playing in the snow?!

I have this crazy busy toddler in the house and this cute and cuddly 9 month old. They don't roll their eyes, or give me attitude, they don't try and lie about how many times they have worn the same pair of pants, they don't understand the importance of bathing so when they give a tantrum it's no big deal. It's so much easier to deal with then the arguing and attitude I get about bath night for my daughter...who understands that your privates need to be cleaned~gross! My older kids don't tell me very often how much they love me.  Hugs are sometimes resisted and kissing is embarrassing. Austin and Heidi have unconditional love for their parents. Life hasn't started to set in on them yet. It is that love that has no expectations or attachments that takes my BF away. I'm not sure when our toddlers turn to preschoolers who turn to people who have expectations that start to make being in relationship with them a mental challenge. I find myself again asking God to slow time...give me more time. Keep them little.

Molly and Grant have been treating each other so poorly lately. They are stuck in that cycle that Don and I sometimes get into...who is going to be the first to back down? Funny thing is right now Don and I are in a good flow. We just came off an ebb, so maybe our kids are on the flow when we ebb and we flow when they ebb! Maybe I should be praying it always stays that way! Fat chance!

The other morning I hear Molly just going off on Grant after he touched a toilet paper roll in her room. This TP roll is special because it has been decorated and added to the "duck tape" shelf of fame. She thinks everything in her room, including her trash, is off limits and should not be touched or looked at by anyone other then her parents.  It came at no surprise to Grant that she went off after he touched the TP roll. I actually think that was his intentions...to get a rise out of Molly. Here lies the problem, they are doing this on a consistent almost nonstop basis right now to each other. 
 I sat down and got in my lecture mode and started pulling out all the threats with Molly. What I was going to take away and how I was tired of hearing her treat her brother with such disrespect. I was letting it all spill out when I heard myself ask, "do you talk to your friends like this?" She gets the smile off her face (which comes out when she is nervous and in trouble and took me a VERY long time to not freak out over!) and her eyes fill with tears and she blurts out, "my friends talk to me like that mom, but I don't say anything. I walk away and ignore them." My heart hurts and I turn from frustrated to compassionate. "Why do you want to talk that way to your brother if you don't like to be treated that way?" Molly's response, "cause it's Grant. He will still be my brother." Little girl talk for "I take him for granted and I know no matter what he will still be there for me."  Ugh, the challenges of motherhood have only begun. A firm hand with a heart full of hurt for your child. I still had to address the issue of respect and words and tone and I looked at her and said, "your friends might not be your friends tomorrow, but your brother will always be your brother and that means it is even more important to treat him with kindness. I want this house to be a place where you know you will be loved and treated kindly. You can have bad days with friends and know your home is safe from mean words and unkind people." 
And without even realizing it I said something I want to instill in my home and in the heart of my children. Home is love and acceptance and kindness. Home is not perfect, but it is a refuge from the world. It won't happen on it's own. As parents we must train and instill and mold and mature the atmosphere to be such. It goes well with the reading from my daily devotional: 
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young 
February 26th
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go.

~I have decided to change my text to italics. A little harder to read, but when I write it feels more like I'm using a pen and not typing a research paper! I'm a visual person!!!

Quality Time

We got some long and overdue alone time with our two oldest kids this weekend. There would be no diapers, bottle feedings, or dealing with the tantrums of a two year old. There would just be quality time and catching up on who our big kids are as people, outside of our big crazy family!

Our First Family Ski Trip

I didn't realize how much I had missed the mountains.  I didn't realize how much I had missed skiing with Don, we went 15 years ago on our Honeymoon, and then 5 years every year after. I wasn't sure my body would remember how after 10 years! Fortunately it was like riding a bike...picked it right up! It is the one thing we both really enjoy doing together. We ski at about the same level and we can laugh together when the other does an embarrassing wipeout! 

This would be the first time we took the kids. I prepared for the whining that would take place over the uncomfortable ski boots, dealing with the cold wind, and the fear that would come with the ski lifts!

This would be the lift Molly would fall off!
She scooted her butt too soon and fell in the mound of snow right before it flattens to exit!
Poor thing about gave her Dad and I a heart attack!
The lift had to stop and the worker had to help get her out!

I didn't expect my kids to love the sport so much. I didn't expect them to pick it up so fast either. We stopped to check on them while they were in ski school and Grant shouted "Ski School is Awesome!"  Molly waved and smiled. She made sure to tell me all about the girl in Ski School with her, Grace, who cried because her hands were "FREEZING." 

Little Ms Fearless
She was mad at me when we found a trail that wasn't straight down.
She had Don hollering at her to "slow down"

The views were priceless. I kept bugging my kids to "look at what God made"...

Look at the way the clouds sit on the mountain behind us!

I learned on this trip that my job in "training" my children is far from over! About 24 hours into the trip Don looked at me and said, "I thought it would be easier with these two!" Yes!!! I thought it would be easier. I mean they don't wear diapers, they don't do a limp noodle tantrum when you go to a restaurant, and you can tell them to go back to bed when they get up too early! 
Grant is our question asker, always has been. Molly is our planner, likes to know what is coming...not just in the next hour, but the next 24 hours. This resulted in NONSTOP questions by both of these kids. Hundreds, possibly a thousand questions over 4 days! Ridiculous questions and the antagonizing that these two do with each other is like something out of a sitcom with two very old unhappy married people! Molly was commenting how Grace won the Pig Races at School. Grant said, "which Grace?" Molly sasses back, "you know which Grace, Grant." Grant, "I know 2 Graces." Molly, "you don't know 2 Graces, Grant!" Grant, "yes I do." and so it goes back and forth and then Grant says he knows a Grace from Molly's Ski School! Molly is so annoyed at this point that she starts telling him how that doesn't count, he doesn't know her and he wasn't in School with her, she was! I finally intervene (this kind of dialogue happens every 30 minutes, so I ignore until it starts to get ugly!)...Grant you need to look at your sister and tell her, "I was wrong, I only know 1 Grace!" That boy couldn't look at her and wouldn't say "I was wrong." It was a mumbled, "I only know 1 Grace." 
I have to remind myself that my kids are now more like grown up people. They aren't toddlers arguing and throwing themselves down because I won't let them eat Oreo's at 8am. It is my job and Don's job to correct their character, teach them manners, respect. They can't just act and respond the way they want, they need to think about what they are saying, doing, the words they are speaking.  We are consistently telling Grant, "the words you speak can't be taken back." When he said, "I don't like to swim." on the ski lift ride, he  might want to think about it in his head before speaking it out loud! When Don said, "then you won't be swimming in the pool this summer?" Grant got all frustrated and tried to talk his way out of what he said, without just admitting he shouldn't have said it!!! Hard for us adults...to admit when we are wrong! What makes us thing it is easy for kids...they are people in little bodies!

My kids talked and exchanged names and information with the two kids in the Hot Tub.
They are from Kearney! Same age as my kids, and girls name is Molly.
Later Grant would refer to them as "their friends!" ...That was a question he asked,
"Can we ski with our new friends?" "Can we walk around the halls with our friends?"

We stepped away from skiing to enjoy a Dog Sledding Ride. These beautiful Huskies started to go crazy when we stepped up to the loading area. They were howling and wagging their tales and jumping.  The minute their leaders started taking them to rope them to the sled they just got giddy! I enjoyed watching the dogs more then I did the views on the sled ride! Once we started they didn't want to stop running. The team that pulled Grant and I were "younger" and our guide said this is what Huskies are created to do....run! They each had a name and she could say commands and they would listen as they pulled. It was quiet, and peaceful, and an awesome experience. 

 Overall, we all missed the "little ones" left at home. Molly commented on how she wanted to see Austin and Grant wanted to squeeze Heidi! I thought I might have some thoughts about what life would have been like if we hadn't added two more kiddos to our family. For 5 years it was just the 4 of us. Heidi has only been in our lives for 9 months, but every one of us missed, talked about, and dreamt about future ski trips, with our Austin and Heidi. It was obvious that a part of our family was missing! 
This picture seems like a lifetime ago! My older kids were so little! Amazing what 3 years can bring...

January 2010

With that thought, as to the changes three years can bring, today is my 35th Birthday! It is the first Birthday that I didn't get excited about, or want to celebrate. Celebration is balloons and "YAY!" I'm not feeling that this year. I'm halfway through my thirties. When I was in my twenties I admired women in their thirties. I looked forward to being in my thirties. I feel like Jessica and I were just celebrating our 30th Birthday at Upstream! Nope, it has been 5 years. The fastest 5 years of my life. It went so fast that I can only think that the next 5 years will go as fast, or faster. This makes me sad. It has nothing to do with getting older, but knowing these years are going so quickly, and I can't get them back. I can't slow it down. I didn't have anyone sing to me, except 2 verses sung off key by Susie, no cake or candles. Instead I went to Costco with my baby, bought her a 1st Birthday present, and picked up Molly from dance and heard about Grant's night at wrestling practice! I have super sweet cards from my kids and a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Don and 75 messages of Birthday wishes on FB! Knowing your thought about and loved is what a Birthday should be all about...not a celebration of the years passing by!

Compromise and Laughter

I didn't laugh enough when my first two kids were toddlers. I was very overwhelmed, anxious about everything, and the trapped feeling of "this is never going to end" consumed me. When Grant turned 3 I felt much of that go away. I had survived sleep training, potty training, bottle breaking, binky taking, separation anxiety, and much of the little stuff that can consume our thoughts as mothers. It was about this year I stopped to really evaluate the restlessness of "not having any more kids." Obviously, Don and I decided our family wasn't complete!

she is looking "older" these days
 when I look at her I can see what she will look like grown up

Molly will be 9 years old this year. That means I'm halfway through the "raising" years. That went FAST. Hold-up "time" because this isn't what I want...I need it to slow down. When Grant was born I wanted another baby...just 3 kids please. Don was firm in saying it was 2 more or no more. What?! That makes no sense, but he didn't budge from this thought, I tried to persuade him that 3 was a good number! In reality, I would like time to add about 6-8 months to each year. Heidi would stay 6 months old for 6-8 months and then she could be 7 months and then at 12 months I'd get to add another 6-8 months. That sounds reasonable! Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We must let go and hold onto the memories. Savor the moments we have today.

I asked her to pose. we got a whole bunch of shots...her ringing the doorbell, opening the front door, petting the dog, she wanted to lay across the fountain and I stopped the photo shoot!

I love my boys
They play so different then girls

I like to guess what my children might be good at when they are grown. Maybe an accountant?
Austin notices details and can focus for long periods of time on stickers on a sled,
but getting him to sit in a restaurant is next to impossible.

It has been a gift for me to have those 5 years to come up for air between my "A" team and "B" team. Life is crazy in our house. I needed to get air so I could use it to laugh more! I am grateful that I don't worry about the nap schedule being exactly how I want it, how long the television has been on, how much milk has been consumed and fruits and vegetables, how clean the house is or how long it has been since I washed my hair.

I married a pretty awesome guy. Sure there are a couple of things I would change, but then we wouldn't have anything to work on and that is boring...I like a good challenge! I'm glad he was firm in wanting an even numbered family!

I wouldn't have Heidi Mae. When I told him I would have 2 more babies he was surprised, raised his eyebrows at me! Part of me thought he would change his mind when the 3rd came along. Nope, Austin was a very challenging baby and Don would have been fine with me being pregnant 4 months after he was born!!!

Our dog is obsessed with snow. Don is throwing snowballs in the air.
It is fun to watch the puppy come out of our 10 year old dog when snow goes flying!

Don is an active and involved Dad. He happily dropped Grant off at wrestling practice and then headed to Kindermusic with Austin! In order to take Austin to music you must be in good spirist and not be on edge with Austin before going into class. If the stars aren't in alignment that day we don't go to music, better to skip class then loose it on Austin in class! Music with Austin is a SNL clip. He is the oversized toddler with the diaper sticking out of his pants, he is trying to get the hula hoops off the wall, sitting on the steps, rolling around on the floor, he sits when everyone stands, and stands when everyone sits, he hollers bunny (the teacher owns a rabbit), he dumps the basket of scarves or bells when they come out, he is done with the song about 1 verse into it. The class last 30 minutes, Thank God, and there are only about 2 or 3 other kids, and the teacher is WONDERFUL! Did I mention we feel that since Molly and Grant both did it then Austin needs to be in it as well. Don was firm in telling me we choose 4 kids, and, therefore, we will not only have 2 involved in activities! When I tried to skip signing him up, Don said "we are going to take Austin to music!"

He took off his boots and stood in the water barefoot. Grant was hollering "Mom" in a panic over a barefoot brother in the middle of February! His pants were soaked after sitting on the concrete!
 I forget everything is still so new to a toddler! 

We like to watch American Idol with the kids. After an eventful music class, Don sat on the couch with the iPad. Grant ate his Mac and Cheese dinner on the couch next to me and Molly did kartwheels and leaps in front of us. Austin enjoyed his dinner of Colby Ridge popcorn straight from the bag! When  one of the evenings contestants (who was very Large) fell to his knees and got emotionally wrapped up in his song about "your text takes me to paradise" I burst out laughing (along with all 4 judges). Grant was so upset with me, "that's mean Mom! Your laughing at him." Me, "Uhmmmm, I'm not laughing AT him! Ok, maybe I am laughing at him." Later, when the guy got eliminated it made Grant burst out in tears. Like, full blown quiet sobs, which had him gagging on his Mac and Cheese! I know my son well, so I asked if it was over the big boy not getting picked and he nodded his head yes! Molly starts asking (in between kartwheels) "whats wrong with Grant?" After the 3rd time asking it occurs to Don there is life happening outside the iPad! When he started asking Grant why he was crying, in a very annoyed tone, and then snapped at Molly to stop doing kartwheels, and then moved onto "why is Austin walking around with popcorn?" I couldn't do anything but laugh! I told Don and Molly that Grant has a big caring heart for the boy who got eliminated, Austin is going to walk around with a bag or a bowl...it makes no difference, and Molly "you need to stop doing acrobatics in the middle of the living room!" Don went back to Craigslist!

Compromise can bring great rewards! 

And Laughter....well laughter is the best medicine!

whining

I watched what I ate today. I drank a lot of water today. I put on my sports bra first thing this morning. I prepared my head to go out for a run at 3:30 when Don gets home from work. I hate the treadmill. I really hate the idea of running when the crazyness of the older kids being home starts.  It was a emotionally exhausting day. I thought about a run at 9pm tonight, but Don is worried I'll get snatched by some crazy person or hit by a car. I'm not going for a run today.
I want to run again. Get up at 6am and start my morning run staring at the stars.  Finish my run watching the pink/orange glow of the sunrise. I want to come into the house and hear the morning commotion. I want to run before the day starts. Before the stress and overwhelming thoughts fill my mind. I want to run when it only takes 2 miles to clear my head and I get to spend the last 2 miles overwhelmed with gratitude and praise for the life God has given me. When the streets are quiet and the air is crisp. When the wind isn't blowing as hard when I leave as when I get back. I want to know my workout is done and I conquered miles on foot before 7am and, therefore, I can conquer the baby/toddler/kid crazy schedule that is ahead.
I want what I can't have these days. I've found myself seriously grieving that I can't have want I want the way I want it. It is like one of Austin's tantrums, but it is in my head. A few tears have been shed, but I'm a girl who easily cries!
I married a man who prefers the darkness, the quiet, the solitude at the job site at 5:30am. So, I guess we both want the same thing. But, because he pays the bills, well he gets what he wants!
I can't believe I am actually thinking 4:30am doesn't sound that bad.

when your a running shoe...
the pavement is better then organized on the closet shelf

siblings

 I've always thought that giving your child a sibling is one of the best gifts you can give. I don't have these unrealistic expectations that they will be best friends when they are grown. I just think you can teach your children so much about relationships through a sibling. I often see the dynamic of myself and my husband as I watch Molly and Grant interact. They are forced to ignore, get over, work it out, treat each other with respect, be kind even if they don't want to, react with kindness and not a "he did it to me so I can do it to him" mentality. I guess, giving your child a sibling is the first step in teaching your children "agape" love.

I grew up with two younger brothers. I always wanted a sister, I mean what 10 year old girl doesn't dream about an older sister to idolize or a younger sister to share all your thoughts with! When I found out baby #4 was a girl I was overcome with joy! My daughter was going to get the most amazing gift...a sister. 

Now they can complain all about their mother to each other!!!

I'm thinking this will be the first of MANY of these shots

This scene warms my Mom Heart
I can fast forward 10 years and see the same picture

Who wouldn't want this adorable thing for a sibling!!!