The last two years have been a whirlwind. Maybe the last three years! It is as if I've been amidst a storm filled with the sort of thunder that makes me scared, even as an adult, big streaks of lightening that bolt across the sky and light up the darkness. A storm that has varying degrees of downpour over a short amount of time. A storm that causes you to race around the house shutting windows and grabbing blankets and finding the safest room in the house. A room on the lowest level without any windows. Then when your down there you gather the ones you love the most and you hold them tight and you smile and laugh and you aren't even aware of the storm happening outside. After you've taken safety for awhile you decide to gently go back upstairs and you look at the windows and when you're ready you open the front door and you step outside. What you see takes your breathe away, because it's beautiful. The storm leaves this indescribable stillness. The lightening still illuminates parts of the sky, but you just catch the light and not the dangerous bolts. It's as if the rain had some magic in it that turned everything an amazing shade of green. You stand no the porch and take it all in with a small thought that this wouldn't be something I would take time to notice if I hadn't just experienced the storm.
Don and the kids have been my "safety." They have been the place I've gathered emotionally. It is hard to describe, but all I can think to write is that they are where my thoughts settle. At the end of each storm I'm drawn out to look at the beauty of my life and not the storm itself. I'm so very thankful I have Austin and Heidi to pull my attention back to their toddler/preschool cuteness. The cuddles and kisses and naughty antics that make me smile. I'm so thankful that my older kids aren't too old to not need me. I might say this with every stage, but the ages of my kids right now are my favorite. They are truly in a spot that has me wanting to freeze time!
My baby will be three years old in a few weeks. She is potty trained. She talks clearly and tries to sing. She loves the fact she wears panties and a pull-up for night night time. She screams her simple demands at her siblings, "I want Mommy to do it." "That's my white chair." "watch Team Umizoomi" (or Paw Patrol or Blaze or Bubble Guppies. It just depends no the day).
Austin is the perfect big brother...most of the time. He adjust his hot wheels to share with her. He explains things to her and encourages her. Watching him cheer her on as she went down the slide for the first time and the smile on her face, priceless. He rushed to the office to grab the spanking spoon to fend off the ladybug that was preventing Heidi from being able to get out of my bathroom! "I get the ladybug away from you Heidi!" In the carwash Austin softly spoke to Heidi about the soap being sprayed on the car, making Heidi feel safe. Then suddenly Austin screams in unison with the high pressure water being squirted and Heidi erupts in a cries of terror! I overreact and snap at Austin that his screaming caused Heidi to get scared! This cause the sensitive Austin to erupt into tears. And so both my littles are crying in the carwash.
My list of "Mom fails" is extensive. I'm pretty sure I'd declare defeat if I spent time thinking about them. Instead, I rise above the failures and grasp ahold of the things I did well that day, the words I kept in, the hugs I stopped and gave, the pushes on the swing I did even though everything in me just wanted to sit, the mundane details I attentively listened to in a story about a child I don't even know who did something and how the teacher responded to this funny thing. I give myself a 'good job Sarah' for not forcing the positive when all they needed was validation. I'm here. I'm present. I'm consumed with thoughts for them. I'm always striving for better in my marriage, because a healthy relationship with their Dad is going to make for secure kids who will be emotionally healthy adults. And that's my goal at the end of each day...to send my kids into adulthood with a bag of "good" bigger then the bag of "bad."
